Embracing Change: How to Support Someone in Their Gender Transition and Handle Mistakes Gracefully

Author’s note: Recently, I came into a situation where a coworker contacted me to let me know that they were changing their name. They explained that they were transitioning and gave me their new name and pronouns. This created questions about the situation and how to handle errors in addressing my coworker. I wanted to share what I found.

In a world becoming increasingly attuned to the diversity of human experiences, one of the most potent acts of empathy we can offer to someone is to honor their identity, especially when it involves a gender transition. As someone is transitioning to align their gender identity with their authentic self, we must approach these changes with respect, compassion, and understanding.

However, navigating these shifts can sometimes be challenging, especially for those who may be unfamiliar with the complexities of gender identity. One common difficulty many face is accidentally using someone's old name or referring to their previous gender. This can feel uncomfortable for the person undergoing the transition and for the person making the mistake. Yet it is essential to remember that our intent matters and learning to handle these moments thoughtfully can go a long way in creating a more supportive environment.

Understanding the Transition

For many individuals, recognizing and expressing their gender identity can be a long and emotional journey. A person may have lived for years or even decades with a gender identity that does not match their physical body or the way they were socially perceived. When someone transitions, they may change their name, pronouns, clothing, and appearance to align more closely with their true sense of self.

Transitioning can bring feelings of relief, validation, or joy, but it may also come with challenges. Family, friends, colleagues, and community members may need time to adjust, especially if the transition significantly departs from the person’s previous gender presentation. Understanding that this is a brave and transformative process helps us support our loved ones as they navigate this new chapter in their lives.

What To Do When You Make a Mistake

It's common for people to slip up during the early stages of a gender transition. Calling someone by their old name (often called their "deadname") or using their previous pronouns is a mistake many make, even when they have the best intentions. If this happens, here are some ways to handle the situation.

1. Acknowledge the Mistake and Apologize Sincerely

The most critical first step is to acknowledge the mistake. A simple, genuine apology is often enough if you accidentally use the wrong name or pronoun. There is no need to make the apology overly dramatic or drawn out, but acknowledging the error demonstrates that you respect the person’s identity and are trying to learn. You could try, "Oh, I’m sorry. I meant to say [correct name/pronoun]." If you realize the mistake in the moment, it's okay to correct yourself and move on without drawing unnecessary attention to it. This avoids making the other person feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.

2. Don't Over-apologize or Dwell on the Mistake

It’s important to remember that over-apologizing or drawing too much attention to your mistake can make the person more self-conscious. While apologizing is essential, constantly apologizing can make everyone involved feel awkward. A brief and respectful acknowledgment, followed by a quick correction, is often the best approach. Try using, "I’m sorry, [correct name]. I’ll try to remember."

3. Be Open to Learning

Part of supporting someone through their gender transition is being open to learning from your mistakes. Gender identity is complex, and you might not always get everything right. However, the key is to make the effort and listen actively when the person corrects you. Pay attention to the pronouns and names they prefer and respect their boundaries when discussing their gender journey. If someone shares that they no longer wish to be referred to by their old name or gender, it’s important to respect that boundary without questioning it. Remember, it’s not about your comfort; it’s about theirs. While it can feel new or unfamiliar, prioritizing their comfort and identity is crucial to show support.

4. Practice and Normalize the New Name and Pronouns

It can take time to adjust, primarily if you’ve known someone by a different name or gender for a long time. The more you practice using their new name and pronouns, the more natural it will feel. If you're unsure or are worried about forgetting, try writing down their name and pronouns where you can easily reference them. Encourage others to use the correct name and pronouns if you're speaking about the person in a group setting. This can help foster a more supportive environment where everyone feels comfortable making mistakes and learning together.

5. Respect Their Privacy and Pace

Everyone transitions at their own pace, and not everyone is comfortable with the same level of disclosure. Some people may choose to openly discuss their gender journey, while others may prefer to keep it more private. It’s essential to respect their privacy and not pressure them to explain more than they are comfortable with. Additionally, some individuals may choose not to correct others immediately when mistakes are made because they don’t want to draw attention to themselves or are still adjusting. Be patient and allow them to speak up when they’re ready.

Building a Supportive Environment

The most important thing to keep in mind when someone is going through a gender transition is that they are undergoing a deeply personal process of self-discovery and expression. As their ally, you can help create an environment where they feel seen, heard, and respected. Supporting someone in their transition isn’t just about correcting the use of names and pronouns; it’s about fostering a culture of respect, empathy, and understanding. 

Practice Kindness and Patience

Making mistakes while adjusting to someone’s gender identity is a natural part of the learning process, but how we handle those mistakes can make a world of difference. Acknowledging errors, apologizing sincerely, and practicing new names and pronouns will show that you care and create a space where the individual feels valued and accepted for who they are.

Gender identity is a deeply personal journey. With patience and empathy, we can all play a role in supporting those around us as they navigate the path to living authentically. The key is to be kind, patient, and willing to learn as we walk alongside our loved ones in this essential and transformative experience.

References

GLAAD. (n.d.). GLAAD Transgender Media Program. GLAAD. Retrieved January 21, 2025, from https://glaad.org/transgender

Human Rights Campaign. (n.d.). Human Rights Campaign (HRC). Human Rights Campaign: HRC. Retrieved January 21, 2025, from https://www.hrc.org/

IBM Careers Blog. (n.d.). 4 Ways to Support an Employee Through their Gender Transition Journey. IBM. https://www.ibm.com/blogs/jobs/4-distinct-ways-to-support-an-employee-through-their-transition-journey/

Osrow, J. (2024, August 9). Supporting Gender Transition in the Workplace: An Employer’s Guide. The Rise Journey. https://www.therisejourney.com/blog/supporting-gender-transition-in-the-workplace-an-employers-guide

Shalev, N. (2022, November 17). How Managers Can Support a Team Member Who's Transitioning. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved January 21, 2025, from https://hbr.org/2022/11/how-managers-can-support-a-team-member-whos-transitioning

The Trevor Project. (n.d.). Suicide Prevention for LGBTQ+ Young People. The Trevor Project - Suicide Prevention for LGBTQ+ Young People. Retrieved January 21, 2025, from https://www.thetrevorproject.org/